Broken Morning
by shazzy-sharon
Summary: "Only the night insects mumbled in prayer for my loss and I memorized the tune for what could have been the last time.There would be nothing left in the world without it." Edward's musings and feelings as Bella sleeps after her ill-fated birthday in New Moon. Please read and review.
1. Things look different in the morning

They say that things change in the morning. Give it a night; sleep on it. Although I didn't have such pleasures as sleep I finally understood the concept of it all; of seeing something so peaceful, beautiful, undisrupted and unperturbed by my unnatural existence, my unwelcomed and forbidden presence...

As I looked at Bella, her delicate hair fanned across her face. She was in every sense vulnerable to the world and all its forthcomings, at least where I was concerned. I pictured her without me-the ever- present shadow of a lovesick man. The mere thought had me breaking into pieces. I had just found her, purpose and reason which for the majority of my life was not companions but unacquainted presences that I came in contact with every so often. How could I go back to a place of emptiness after knowing what it is to be complete and restored? Is it possible? My mind immediately tells me no, but then again, vampires should not exist. My existential dilemma eventually allows me to ferment my decision.

I could not ruin her soul like I had already ruined her life, her body-the many scars caused by my constant troubling in her life-, her heart. Her heart. This decision was not only mine to make, but if I even breached the topic she would find some way to make me stay, something that I could not question like my love for her. My world was quickly turning into a tornado of pain and torture at the prospect of what I had to do. I wished for the pain and heartache of my decision to lie only with me. I could carry my burden, survive- unlikely but I could carry my heavy heart as long as hers beat. Would I ever get to breath in a synchronized pattern of her heartbeat again? Would I forfeit my sacred lullaby? Only the night insects mumbled in prayer for my loss and I memorized the tune for what could have been the last time.

There would be nothing left in the world without it. I would be even the more meaningless and useless than I felt. But it would not only be me to suffer, Granted, her pain would be like a teardrop she would likely shed in comparison to the cyclones and thunderstorms of rain that my body would not unnatural submitting still hated to cause her pain none the less. As morning approached eagerly, I sat imobally dreading its reveal. How could I do this? Our whole relationship was so new and uncharted and ending it was something I had at the very back of my mind.

I would have to put much distance between us. Yes, Bella and I would have to be more separated, as if we were fighting over some inconsequential human qualm as if that would ever be our case. Bella means way more to me than an argument over... No! I needed to recapture my wandering heart. We would be distant, I would intentionally try to arise problems or inescapable situations and I would have to leave her. She would accept it. She would be hurt but after few months or a shorter passage of time another set of hands would be ready to soothe and comfort her. Just thinking of someone else's hands on fire drove my senses to tingle with jealousy and frustration. Venom flowed freely through my limbs, seeking the challenger. _You have to come to terms with this_, I told myself, but even I am not air-headed enough to think I can try and live up to such thoughts.

As the morning ascended I rode its tide eagerly: Free to be out of the abyss that was my head with the many dilemmas I faced. Bella's heartbeat slowed and piqued and I knew she was about to wake. It is said that change comes with the morning. I would have to agree.


	2. Wake up and smell the roses

With the arrival of the morning, my thoughts and reasoning had congealed like setting gelatin. They were condensed into a state of aloofness with no composition of character or truth. Throughout the night, I had plotted and planned for the scenario that I would put into action and set in motion but it had all been conceptual. Never materializing but inside the dark dungeon of my head.

Today, it was time to wake up and smell the roses. Today was the day that I would face the consequences of my actions. I would be the man that Carlisle always wished me to be- one who took responsibility and faced crisis with the bravery and courage of a British solider and the humility of an infant.

As Bella awoke, I would start the process. I would inauspiciously plant seeds of doubt in her mind. They would manifest within her own being and she would make her own decisions thereafter. Maybe if I was lucky enough, I wouldn't have to break her heart. She could push me away on her own. In true reflection of Bella's character however, I knew that I would never get away that easily. She loved me with the most reckless abandon, with not a thought of contempt for her own well being, but an ever raging desire to please, to love and to care for me. None of which, regardless of the number of human souls I had saved or spared, would I ever have deserved.

Again I tried in vain to think myself out of such a decision. What could I truly say or do to make her discount our love. How do you try and negate something so strong and so powerful that had been tested countless times and had overthrown even the most inseparable instincts? How could I leave Bella?

One fleeting thought crossed my mind in the brief interlude of the systole and diastole of her heart: our love was the most irrefutable part of our relationship; to somehow convince her that it didn't exist would be the only way- the only change for her normal, human life. Every 28 seconds or so, I tried to remind myself of the reasons I would proceed with such an insane notion. On why I would shatter my only hope and reason for existence and why I would subject myself to a meaningless world of dark shadows…less than existing. Then I would remind myself that it was because of that same love. It was the love that wanted the best for my Bella, for her to have the beautiful joys and experiences in life and somehow pass on its difficulties. It was that same love that bloomed only at the evidence of her happiness, the slight upturn of the corner of her mouth, the intelligent set of her brow.

With the number of different directions of thought varying in tune with the increased jolting of her heart, I knew it was time for me to face the music; to smell the bitter scent of despair and longing I was about to create. With the prelude of her wake, her eyelashes fluttered as if brushing away an intruder, the swell of pink kissed her cheeks and tips of her nose, her head moves swiftly from side to side, the slightest crease in her forehead appeared that I assume was caused by the memories and physical recognition of lasts nights events and slowly, those chocolate pools of molten perfection blinked open to acknowledge me- the destroyer.

It was time to play my part, to act my scene to the fullest of my ability, to forge a non-love for this beautiful creature beside me. It was time for me to wake up from my proverbial slumber and do what was needed.

I stared into her eyes with the coolness of a winter morning. I projected a regret of the situation and adding the tinge of brooding for it to appear that the regret was long embedded Her answering look was so soft, pure and pleading that I was sure she had seen through my debut. It appeared that my particularly scented bouquet was one requiring much distrust, uncertainty and pain.


End file.
